Reflections on my 50th birthday . Written on July 26 , 1997 ( more than 26 years ago )

I AM AGE 50 TODAY! I am 50 years old today. I have had ten years to think about it. I remember turning 40. Last night I was in a Greta Garbo mood: " I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!" A semi-sweet melancholy. When I awoke this morning the sun was shining brilliantly in a clear blue sky. Nature, of course, is utterly indifferent to our birthdays. In my existential point of view, the COSMOS itself is utterly indifferent to our lives. I would like very much to believe in the FORCE but there is no evidence for it. Perhaps the FORCE believes in me! I am no saint but nobody would call me a scoundrel. I have maintained close friendships with a few precious human beings. A bachelor by fate or choice, I still cherish my now very extended family . I have no personal enemies and no heinous deeds on my conscience. I am a rare bird on this planet-a truly free man! The world does not seem a very happy place to me. But it is a very interesting place. Curiosity alone can keep somebody like me going for a long time . I have laughed at AMBITION all my life (inspired by the ideas of Albert Camus). And AMBITION, of course, has laughed right back ! If the GRIM REAPER were to knock on my door tonight, I would say, "But I am not ready!" "I have not achieved my PURPOSE." "What purpose?" He might ask scornfully. "Why as passionately as any of King Arthur's knights, I AM STILL SEEKING THE HOLY GRAIL".