I AM AGE 50 TODAY!

I am 50 years old today. I have had ten years to think about it. I remember turning 40. Last night I was in a Greta Garbo mood: " I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!"

A semi-sweet melancholy. When I awoke this morning the sun was shining brilliantly in a clear blue sky. Nature, of course, is utterly indifferent to our birthdays. In my existential point of view, the COSMOS itself is utterly indifferent to our lives. I would like very much to believe in the FORCE but there is no evidence for it. 

Perhaps the FORCE believes in me! I am no saint but nobody would call me a scoundrel. I have maintained close friendships with a few precious human beings. A bachelor by fate or choice, I still cherish my now very extended family . I have no personal enemies and no heinous deeds on my conscience. 

I am a rare bird on this planet-a truly free man! The world does not seem a very happy place to me. But it is a very interesting place. Curiosity alone can keep somebody like me going for a long time . I have laughed at AMBITION all my life (inspired by the ideas of Albert Camus). And AMBITION, of course, has laughed right back ! 

If the GRIM REAPER were to knock on my door tonight, I would say, "But I am not ready!" "I have not achieved my PURPOSE."  "What purpose?" He might ask scornfully.

"Why as passionately as any of King Arthur's knights, I AM STILL SEEKING THE HOLY GRAIL". 

Maybe that will buy me time.

Washington Park and Cultural Suicide

"The Old Neighborhood" Painting by Edward Farber

Whenever I pass through the Washington Park area of Providence where I lived for more than twenty years, I am reminded of a haunting short story by Theodore Dreiser, "The Old Neighborhood".

How different it was just 25 years ago. What decay now! Memorable people replaced by sullen hordes of ignorant and obnoxious immigrants-lacking the character of previous generations of immigrants- truly the scum of the earth! Filth and decadence is their element. Denizens of Hell, nearly all of them.

Charming stores with a little class replaced with tawdry, sinister shops. "What is the REAL business here?" I wonder.

Everywhere to be seen, glazed eyed maniacs. Drug addicts? Washington Park -once a quiet, respectable neighborhood right out of "Leave It To Beaver"- now just a stray, seedy piece of New York City. Not one place sacred in my memory has survived intact, as I remembered it.

There were in those days several supermarkets in the area, nearest the Weybosset Pure Foods.

Broad St. School

A Mason's Pharmacy- where I read Science Digest articles while sipping on vanilla cokes. The Palace Theater where I recall seeing movie classics like "West Side Story", "To Kill A Mocking Bird", and the scariest movie of my youth, "The Curse Of Frankenstein".

Ace Wall Paper & Paint where my older brother and I bought model airplanes. (he was so much more skilled at assembling them!) Carter's Candy Store where I would treat myself to eye-appealing delights. How I liked that "bark candy".

Roger Williams Park Museum
of Natural History & Planetarium

A Four barber Barber Shop, AL's - always very busy on Saturdays. Haircuts- one dollar! St. Paul's Church was just a ten minute walk away. (The vitriolic scoldings of old Monsignor Cannon- people coming in too late. The impassioned sermons of a young Father Behan. He looked a lot like Mickey Mantle.)

Roger Williams Park was our back yard. My class visits to the Planetarium - the Sputnik era. There were real row boats you could rent back then. Today you have those ridiculous paddle boats.

The Boat House at Roger Williams Park

Today even Newport Creamery is gone. How many coffee cabinets consumed there - and the early adolescent girl watching.

Most of all there were the neighbors– real neighbors, people that you would know if not love for years. Where are they all today? Where was the only guy who advertised his support for Nixon? He was harassed!

Broad Street School looks as imposing as ever. I remember the baseballs games in the school yard. The number of fine baseballs lost on the roof- home runs! Teachers that made a difference. A few that humiliated!

The Washington Park Library is drab looking now. How many intellectual adventures begun there.
There were Boy Scouts (Troop 7) at the Methodist Church. Any scouts around today? A sordid memory of one obscene encounter there. Where is "he" today?

A friendly black postman named Reggie. A German shepherd dog who bit me on the chin ( I needed stitches) A noisy boxer named Mike ( annoying on hot summer nights ) The owner a rather violent man who routinely "kicked ass", mostly his son's, my friend. He was also a talented painter "of sailing ships."

The old lady across the street named Sadie who told us stories of her girlhood and whose husband died a miserable death from cancer. The middle aged housewife next door- my first encounter with madness in front of her lilac bush.

The neighborhood began to undergo an irreversible decline in the mid-Seventies. Mostly though truly PLEASANT memories of BETTER TIMES, of YOUTH. My infatuation with a particular girl I would see every morning in the coffee shop– Murphy's. A character named Chubby ran the place. He died of a heart attack at age 50! I went to the wake and could not recognize this fun loving devil in the eulogy.

But today look at Washington Park, look at the ruin of it. If anybody doubts the reality of Cultural Suicide, let him visit Washington Park and talk to the old time residents.

Roger Clemens is missed!

The pain of it! The sports page today is all about Roger winning his 18th game of the season. In Providence the "home team " is still the Boston Redsox. In Maine too–ask Stephen King.

Not since Babe Ruth was sold to the Yankees has there been a greater betrayal of the FANS. A four time Cy winner-yes he'll get it-given an ignominious ADIOS by Boston management !

A big motivation to go to Fenway Park-one of a few classic ball parks left-is gone.

When my nephew Nick was a young little league pitcher (he looked a little like a young Roger Clemens; and could throw a little like him too) I warned him that the Boston Red Sox specialized in breaking the hearts of the fans. The 1986 World Series is just one bad memory!

Now he is 18 and knows just what I mean!

Some random thoughts in 1997

1. Brown professors, it seems, have a habit of making public asses of themselves. As a scholar he may subscribe to some school of higher criticism which always ignores the text itself.
2. There are just too many professional unmaskers of racism and sexism out there.
3. Sorry Joe, the check is not in the mail.
4. These unkind and insensitive comments of adults are like little sprinkles of acid on growing flowers. They leave their mark!
5. Political Correctness is just a polite euphemism for Left Wing McCarthyism.
6. I spotted the scholarly priest in the lobby of Fatima Hospital a few weeks ago. I was reminded of his TV program which was always lively and interesting- and on a higher moral plane than myself,of course.
7. It is possible for a plain fact to be politically incorrect: Africa,for example. never contributed anything to Civilization. And today it is still THE HEART OF DARKNESS.
8. Is it possible, I asked, for an author to have a political agenda and still be telling the truth about a very important matter?
9. The human soul– whether it is mortal or immortal- is sacred to me. People have an absolute right to think and feel whatever they will about controversial issues.
10. The politically correct crowd is beginning to feel the counter-attack. And it will be furious!
11. Curiosity– divine curiosity- is one of the few emotions that cannot be faked. We can fake so many things- love for the masses, friendship, devotion to this or that fatuous cause; we can even fake sexual passion.
12. For a while in my adolescence proving geometric theorems was literally one of my hobbies.
13. Remember June 6,1944? Pop complained that there was not a single article recalling that momentous day in 1944. I believe now that World War II was the decisive event of the 20th century. A while back I would have said that it was the Russian Revolution that was the major event of the century.
14. A man who can be described as a strict constitutionalist threatens to torch Old Glory if the flag burning amendment is passed. A little melodramatic, is he not? I recommend a pleasant walk in the park instead. If the ludicrous amendment is approved,it will only put a few more bucks into the pockets of ACLU lawyers.
15. One way for the mass media to combat racism, sexism, or any form of prejudice is to introduce us to various people who really know something.
16. I am surprised to learn that LBJ was involved in a plot to kill Martin Luther King. Really? What brainless paranoia! The truth is that LBJ was the best friend the blacks ever had in this country.
17. What difference does it make -black, white, hispanic, male, female, gay, straight– the profit game is inherently ruthless.
18. I will continue to read your paper because life is inseparable from trash anyway. I refuse to be bored!
19. There should be a postage stamp honoring H.L Mencken. He treated everybody with equal contempt.
20. As I have no reputation to protect, I signed for the gay porn film myself.
21. Anybody who tells me he watches more than an hour of commercial TV per day is telling me that he resides on the left-wing of the Bell Curve. Some left wingers are quite stupid.
22. The planet's red glare gave proof through the night that our future was still out there.
23. In the absence of great challenges, human beings seldom rise above the level of chattering monkeys.
24. Michael Chippendale and his "real American" friends are prepared to meet in the street the Brown University Trotskyists and their rag-tag following of lazy, welfare recipients. If he is patient and waits just a few years, he will no doubt meet the whole subversive Ivy League gang on Wall Street.
25. How many math teachers have read Morris Kline's helpful book,"Why Johnny Can't Add"? Too many math teachers are scientifically illiterate. They cannot connect the dry, tedious textbook examples with the more exciting every day world.
26. We human beings have a divine right to be our inconsistent, rebellious, slightly daffy selves.
27. Tail-Gunner Al. As the guns were going off I recalled his frequent lament: "There There is no justice. There is no justice." We left a little note at the grave site: "AI, we hope you find JUSTICE in the next world".
28. Before we crucify Mr. Pine, let us consider another source of titillation: It is not for nothing that Rhode Island is considered the natural habitat of the drunk.
29. The argument about human nature undermining any conceivable utopia carries more weight with me nowadays.
30. I consider the Gus Hall crowd to be a bunch of Stalinist without Stalin. I don't care if the whole world knows that I read "commie" newspapers. I have a big plastic, orange pumpkin where Comrade Dave can deposit the subversive paper. I was in fact worried that the neighbors would think that I was in the pornography business.
31. The new immigrants arouse as much sympathy in me as green eyed snakes. They are as sensitive as vultures- always looking for the main chance.
32. I graduated from the Community College of Rhode Island at age 29 with the help of a few welfare checks.
33. This library computer that I am using to E-Mail you was a total mystery to me until a few months ago. (the FEBRUARY REVOLUTION)
34. One glaring evil of the present system is hereditary wealth. Nobody should be allowed to inherit more than $100,000. In a democratic society privilege without obligations has no right to even exist.
35. The nutritional needs of human beings are really quite modest. The mass media should use its power to synthesize bourgeois compassion. (Mr. Feinstein)
36. One telling detail: He was found naked in his bedroom in the fetal position.
37. I have read a whole book on the phenomenon of political correctness. Should the author be awarded a Pulitzer Prize for Shallowness?
38. Gay Pride is utter rubbish! I have read "Death in Venice". The middle aged protagonist is hopelessly attracted to a young male beauty and also corrupted by that attraction.
39. Can a shameful man like Father Dunn- the rapist tormenter of a pitiful incest victim who came to him for help– can he be NOT GUILTY from a cosmic point of view?
40. Angry white males have not yet appeared on any politically correct victims list.
41. Would he have dared to suggest that the loathsome monster Craig Price be tortured ?
42. If she were not a victim of childhood polio, should Mr. Gray have referred to her as a beneficiary of it?
43. Deep down a lot of GAY behavior is just self-indulgent narcissism.
44. At what point in the evolution of our species from monkey to homo-sapiens did FREE WILL suddenly appear?
45. You can be sure the writer of this E-Mail will not be running for President in the future!
46. Our ideas and opinions should be a generous gift or affliction on the human race. Are we not already borderline charlatans when we attach a price tag to them?
47. Joe has a notion that the news we have been getting for years now is just WHITE NEWS. There is no such thing as professional journalism or even objective truth.
48. It would not surprise me if I read in tomorrow's newspaper that cosmologist Stephen Hawking wishes to become an ordained priest!
49. At first I thought it was all just right-wing blather. The book "Illiberal Education" opened my eyes.
50. Caesar's adventures in Gaul did not seem so irrelevant to me now. They reminded me of Vietnam.
51. The working class still does not want to be SAVED by Socialism. They want to be middle class.
52. Listening to JOE FROM COVENTRY on talk radio is truly wallowing in DEMOCRACY.
53. The white trash side of me compels more belligerent language.
54. It must be very trying to be a newspaper editor nowadays. All that sensitivity out there.
55. The last real philosopher king in this century was Lenin. In many ways he was a truly GREAT MAN but a disaster for the human race. It is about time they literally buried the poor devil.
56. The wise doctrine of separation of CHURCH and STATE continues to keep this society from blowing itself apart.
57. What I intend to promote- with or without anybody's permission is good, old fashioned FREE THINKING in the spirit of British philosopher Bertrand Russell.
58. Has not the 20th Century demolished all ideologies?